There is a basketball court across the hall from the workout room at the Y. There is always a group in there playing no matter what time of day. On the weekends it is kids playing horse or learning how to make a basket, and during the week it almost always a group of sweaty men pretending they are in the last seconds of a triple overtime, championship game. Screaming and jumping as if their livelihoods depend on it. Which is totally cool, I appreciate a good sweaty workout as much as the next person. My problem is this: the game is always shirts versus skins. How they pick the teams I do not know. What I do know is they are doing it wrong. There are rules for this sort of thing, and when I am queen (W.I.A.Q) they will be enforced. Oh yes. There will be no pasty, man boobs (moobs) zipping past the open door of the court. I can’t run around topless on the basketball court and neither should you big boy! No crazy, out of control back hair either. If you look like you are wearing a sweater when you take your shirt off, leave it the hell on. Also, there is nothing wrong with a little man-scaping of the underarm area. Not clean-shaven, but if it appears you are transporting a Persian kitten under each arm there is no shame in some careful trimming.
Blech, just thinking about it… gets me to thinking about other things that will change W.I.A.Q. Here are a few examples:
There will be no ashy and/or crusty feet in public. Check yourself before you leave the house and cover your cloven hooves in the appropriate footwear.
If you are in a public place and your child starts freaking out and making loud noises, whether it be a full on tantrum or just plain old crying you have 5 minutes to quiet them down and then you need to go home. NO EXCEPTIONS. My time in the outside world should not be ruined because you couldn’t find a sitter for your little (or not so little) bundle of joy.
No pet shall be forced to dress up in cute costumes. If Fluffy or Fido can’t dress themselves, then I had better not see them slink by in a shirt and ass-less pants. The exception to this rule applies to the animals that would actually freeze to death while relieving themselves in some of our colder climates.
If you can’t figure out how not to talk with food in your mouth, you don’t get to eat. Same goes for chewing with your mouth closed.
All asses need pockets. If your shirt is short enough for others to see your butt, said butt had better be adorned with some pockets.
DONT LET ME CATCH YOU THROWING ANYTHING OUT YOUR CAR WINDOW. Unless it is a bug and you are setting it free.
Certain items of clothing will NOT be made in super plus sizes. It is for your own good back-boobs lady.
A JOURNEY of a thousand miles begins with a single STEP. It does not begin with you joining a weight loss group or putting down your crack pipe. Quit calling every life change a freaking journey.
Are you constipated? Having “female problems”?did you cough up something crazy into the sink this morning? Do you need to talk about breast-feeding or your difficult pregnancy? Call your doctor! Do not call me. Or corner me at the lunch table. Or tell someone else in a voice loud enough for me to hear.
There will be no nail clipping in public. Seriously why do I even have to mention this one.
All super markets will be required to give classes on how not to block the whole aisle with your cart while you stare vacantly at the same boxes of pasta that were there the last time you blocked the aisle.
You can tell a lot about a person by what they do with their gum when they are finished with it. Every time I catch you spitting your gum out on the sidewalk you will lose a tooth. It’s not like you weren’t gonna lose them anyway.
If you need more than 2 minutes at the drive thru ATM then you need to pull into the teller line. You have issues a money spitting computer is not equipped to handle. If you insist on using the ATM any way, for every minute over the alloted time limit you go, 1 of your tires will be flattened.
Are you seriously going to pay for your purchase with a check?? Fine, you need to write it out during the time you are standing in line waiting to pay. If you don’t everything in your cart goes back and you can start your whole shopping trip over.
If I catch you not cleaning up after whatever you have at the end of your leash you will receive a 3 month unpaid internship at the pet waste clean up company of my choice.
I know these may seem a bit harsh, but the world will be a better place once they go into effect. Trust me.